Thursday Thirteen #4: Lawyer One-Liners

February 6, 2008 at 8:13 pm (Thursday Thirteen)
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This week I thought I would pay tribute to lawyers, since I have already paid all the money I will ever pay to a lawyer again. If you have never had the misfortune to need the services of a lawyer to help with a divorce or a court case, count your blessings (and your money since you still have some).  Now I am sure there has to be an honest lawyer out there in lawyerland, somewhere, possibly at the end of a rainbow, but until then enjoy these:

Thirteen Things about Cricket’s Hearth…

Need a chuckle this week? Have one at the expense of lawyers all across this great land of ours… that’s the least they owe us!

 13 Lawyer One-Liners

1. Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
    A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

2.  Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
     A: Their personalities.

3. Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
    A: His lips are moving.

4. Q: What does it mean when a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule?
    A: It means that after you pay his bill, it’s financially hard to get back on your feet.

5. Q: Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?
    A: Professional courtesy.

6. Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer?
     A. Take your foot off his head.

7. Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
    A: When you die, a leech will stop sucking your blood and drop off.

8. Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
    A: One is a scum-sucking bottom feeder, and the other is a catfish.

9. Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
    A: A lawyer can take off his wingtips.

10.  Q: What’s the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
       A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

11.  Q: What can a goose do, a duck can’t, and a lawyer should?
       A: Stick his bill up his @$%.

12. Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
        A. When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.

13. Q: What’s the difference between a bad divorce lawyer and a good divorce lawyer?
      A: A bad lawyer can let the case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.

And, for an added bonus:

An Ounce Of Brains

A lawyer finds out he has an inoperable brain tumor. It’s so large, they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains. There’s a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the sum of $800 an ounce. The outraged lawyer says, “This is a ripoff! How come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?” The doctor replies, “Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?”

 Happy Thursday Thirteen!

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