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Thursday Thirteen #4: Lawyer One-Liners

February 6, 2008

This week I thought I would pay tribute to lawyers, since I have already paid all the money I will ever pay to a lawyer again. If you have never had the misfortune to need the services of a lawyer to help with a divorce or a court case, count your blessings (and your money since you still have some).  Now I am sure there has to be an honest lawyer out there in lawyerland, somewhere, possibly at the end of a rainbow, but until then enjoy these:

Thirteen Things about Cricket’s Hearth…

Need a chuckle this week? Have one at the expense of lawyers all across this great land of ours… that’s the least they owe us!

 13 Lawyer One-Liners

1. Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
    A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

2.  Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
     A: Their personalities.

3. Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
    A: His lips are moving.

4. Q: What does it mean when a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule?
    A: It means that after you pay his bill, it’s financially hard to get back on your feet.

5. Q: Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?
    A: Professional courtesy.

6. Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer?
     A. Take your foot off his head.

7. Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
    A: When you die, a leech will stop sucking your blood and drop off.

8. Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
    A: One is a scum-sucking bottom feeder, and the other is a catfish.

9. Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
    A: A lawyer can take off his wingtips.

10.  Q: What’s the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
       A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

11.  Q: What can a goose do, a duck can’t, and a lawyer should?
       A: Stick his bill up his @$%.

12. Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
        A. When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.

13. Q: What’s the difference between a bad divorce lawyer and a good divorce lawyer?
      A: A bad lawyer can let the case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.

And, for an added bonus:

An Ounce Of Brains

A lawyer finds out he has an inoperable brain tumor. It’s so large, they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains. There’s a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the sum of $800 an ounce. The outraged lawyer says, “This is a ripoff! How come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?” The doctor replies, “Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?”

 Happy Thursday Thirteen!

Check out these TT’ners too!

~ Miranda ~ Morgan ~ The Gal Herself ~ SandyCarlson ~ melanie ~ sue  ~

     ~ Comedy Plus ~ Natalie ~ pjazzypar ~ Candy ~ opengroveclaudia ~

    ~ babystepper ~ Buck Naked Politics ~ Nicholas ~ Robin ~ Rasmenia ~

    ~ Tink ~ Hootin Anni ~ Brenda MD ~ HollyAnn ~ full body transplant ~

                    ~ OneLuvGurl ~ Chelle Y ~ Bad Puppy Dog ~

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

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29 Comments leave one →
  1. February 6, 2008 8:36 pm

    Lol…so funny, so true.

    Great list.
    Happy TT!!!

  2. February 6, 2008 8:49 pm

    Hilarious! Great, great, great! 🙂 🙂 🙂

  3. February 6, 2008 9:05 pm

    #9 was my favorite. Haven’t heard that one before and it made me smile. Thanks, and thanks for stopping by my TT.

  4. February 6, 2008 9:09 pm

    You have me laughing out loud! Thanks for these. God bless.

  5. February 6, 2008 9:10 pm

    lol

  6. February 6, 2008 9:28 pm

    Thanks for the smile 🙂 Happy TT!

  7. February 6, 2008 9:35 pm

    Bwahahahahahaha, oh those are really good. Bwahahahahaha. Thanks for the laughs and have a great TT. 🙂

  8. February 6, 2008 10:00 pm

    I love it!!!!!!!

  9. February 6, 2008 10:19 pm

    Funny stuff! loved them all especially number 3. Happy TT.

  10. February 6, 2008 10:44 pm

    Hahaha! You got more than just a chuckle from me there! :o)

  11. February 6, 2008 11:12 pm

    Thanks for the laugh – really ! 🙂

    Happy TT

  12. February 6, 2008 11:25 pm

    I love it!

  13. February 6, 2008 11:45 pm

    Numbers 3 and 4 apply only to male lawyers, I hope. Happy TT!

  14. February 7, 2008 12:04 am

    Very amusing list!

  15. February 7, 2008 2:28 am

    Very funny list.

  16. February 7, 2008 4:00 am

    Ha ha ha…that was great – love #6. 🙂

    Happy Thursday!

  17. February 7, 2008 5:15 am

    *LOL* I quite like lawyer jokes. 🙂
    Thanks for visiting my Dalai Lama quotes!

  18. February 7, 2008 7:18 am

    LOL….funny.
    So, the number 1 implies no matter what you do, you’re screwed? rofl
    Gotta love it.

    Hope you can drop by and visit me today for my 13.

  19. February 7, 2008 8:06 am

    Thanks. I needed a good laugh!

  20. February 7, 2008 8:49 am

    #5…so funny!

    new to Thursday Thirteen…so i am busy clickety clicking on the linky lous!

  21. February 7, 2008 9:23 am

    Outstanding laughs, well deserved.

    Bravo!

  22. February 7, 2008 9:36 am

    Oh, how funny. I really liked #6, oh how true. I liked the joke too.

    Love and Hugs,
    Joyce

    **I am glad you got a chuckle out of these. And cheer on mom! Blessings, Cricket

  23. February 7, 2008 9:40 am

    Hey girlfriend! Great TT. I can’t help but think of (george) LOL. Hope you stay dry in Ohio today. The weather kind of gives whole new meaning to staying on high ground. Be Safe….Hugs!

    **LOL I had forgotten about George! LOL So you get into the heated part of Arizona yet? The rain finally stopped and it is starting to get cold again. Oh well, it could have been worse, the rain could have been snow! Blessings, Cricket

  24. February 7, 2008 12:40 pm

    Too funny!

    http://blog.mysocalledsite.com/?p=199 Happy TT! 🙂

  25. February 7, 2008 2:03 pm

    Haha. Thankfully, the two lawyers that I have had to deal with in my life, were good ones. 🙂

  26. February 7, 2008 7:56 pm

    bahahaha!! take your foot off of his head hahaha… great job, thanks for stopping by! happy TT 😀

  27. February 7, 2008 8:27 pm

    Very good!

    SJR
    The Pink Flamingo

  28. byrningbunny permalink
    February 7, 2008 11:12 pm

    Thanks for the laugh!

  29. February 12, 2008 1:24 am

    In the immortal ‘words’ of bloggers, texters, and on-line chatters every where….LOL

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