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Be Still

February 9, 2009

I want to apologize for not posting in a while. Without making excuses, I will just say it has been a soul searching month for me.  Selma at Search Engine Stories has provided yet another thought-provoking prompt this week.  I am beginning to think she is able to read my mind or see deep into my heart. This is my response to her prompt of “Be Still.”  The image is from http://farm1.static.flickr.com/103/316811218_f2659db0d4.jpg

Be Still

be-still

I have always found it difficult to “be still.” As a child these words were often spoken along with an “or else” attached.  Most times, they were the screaming commands of my overstressed mother who was seeking a few minutes of rest from chasing after four small children. Sometimes, they were whispered threats of a sexually abusive uncle.  Needless to say, I developed quite an aversion to being still.

I have spent much of my life being busy. I was the student who completed all of the questions in a homework assignment, not just the odd numbered ones. When assigned the chore of cleaning the living room, I would not only dust the top of all the pieces of furniture, but also the sides, legs and back. Once my children were old enough to be “in things,” I became the Girl Scout leader, den mother, PTA president, 4-H advisor, and baseball coach. I was very involved in my community serving on various committees, most times as the chairman. Some might think I took the Bible passage, “idle hands are the devil’s workshop” to heart, but to be honest, that is not true.  Only recently have I come to understand my need to be constantly busy – – – if I was busy doing something good, then I didn’t have to deal with the fact I didn’t like being me.

I find it quite ironic for a person who grew up in the generation famous for “finding themselves” I never knew who I was.  I always knew what I was expected to be or not to be, and I tried to meet those expectations. But alas, like an actor who did not research his character, I was mediocre at best in most scenes and failed miserably in the close ups.  How does one truly find who they really are after living a lifetime of being someone else?

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8 Comments leave one →
  1. February 9, 2009 8:36 pm

    You are not alone in not being able to find yourself, Cricket. I still haven’t found myself or what I’m looking for, either. I see glimpses of who I want to be, I almost catch the me I want to be; but it continues to be elusive. Maybe being still is the answer. A very heartfelt, profound post!

  2. February 10, 2009 12:34 am

    I am sure your words will ring true with many people Cricket. I know they did with me. Well written and so very telling. Hugs, G

  3. February 10, 2009 11:17 am

    I hope you are able to find the true you and to be happy to be you. Very well written — and jolting — post.

  4. February 12, 2009 4:40 am

    I find writing is such a fine way to discover the truth in our own lives and I think here you’ve done just that. I don’t think you should discount the person you’ve been, though you might think she was a stranger, she wasn’t she was just another part of you, the part you needed to be while you were dealing with the life you had. We change, we grow; it doesn’t mean that stranger in our past is not us too.

    Insightful, thought provoking writing- wish all writing could be like this.
    Lauri

  5. February 12, 2009 10:57 am

    From my experience, those who found themselves often found a fad instigated by someone else.
    To not be affected by such things is to really find yourself.

  6. February 12, 2009 1:03 pm

    for me personally, when I was/am able to ask the question you end with – it is then that I discover what has been there all the time – I think the willingness to be on the journey is the key – lovely post, and I wish you the wind at your back on your journey

  7. February 13, 2009 12:03 pm

    I think it’s hard to be ourselves when we’re not even sure of what that is, but I’m sure each of us will find something within or outside of us to find just that, your words says so much and I hope you find whatever you need to be yourself

  8. February 13, 2009 12:38 pm

    I was where you are two years ago. For me, I found myself by serving others. Not being busy, but heartfelt service. I don’t know know what it looks like to you, but I wish you well on your journey. No one should go through life wondering who they are. Clarity is a beautiful thing.

    I feel like you about the slice of life prompts. I WANT to write for slice of life. But I look at the prompts and nothing stirs in me. Nothing. So I wait, because what I have learned is sometimes we have to wait for inspiration, rather than force it. 😉 It will come again. I think sometimes we attach too much guilt to things we shouldn’t feel guilty about at all.

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