An Undeniable Love

Words for this week’s edition of Three Word Wednesday are: 

Heartache    Jangle    Reckless

 

 

My husband and I have a wonderful relationship, at least at this point in our marriage.  Like most couples, we had our years of struggle finding a balance between the highs of our physical attraction and the lows of our emotional and financial needs.  I find it interesting how our priorities have evolved as we have aged.  Most days our biggest worry is keeping his cholesterol down.  Now it is not so much about romance or that tingle I used to get, but how healthy we eat and how often we exercise.  I have never considered myself a “cheater” but I must confess, I have not always been faithful . . .

I started this relationship many, many years ago.  Although my dearest friends had no idea, I never really thought it was wrong.  Well, maybe a little.  Clandestine meetings for lunch were a treat.  Once in awhile we would have dinner together.  But mornings were my time to savor the passion he brought into my life. His smell before my shower was always enough to keep me going all day.  Sometimes I would have to hold onto that memory for days before we could be together again.  Holidays were out of the question.  I knew my family would find his presence completely unacceptable.  Although I was single, living in my own home, I had to keep my love a secret and endure the heartache of living a lie.

Then I met Tim. The magnetism between us was undeniable.  Our physical attraction soon blossomed into a deep love.  I found myself torn between a man who offered security, love, and daily companionship, and the one who had taken me to the highest peaks of passion for many years.  Tim knew about my other relationship.  As a couple progressing to the point of commitment to each other, we shared our pasts and our secrets.  After several discussions, Tim said I would have to give up my first love for us to have a future together.  I knew he was right.  And I tried.  I really did try.

A morning came when Tim showed up unexpectedly.  I heard the jangle of his keys in the door and I froze.  He walked in to find us sharing breakfast, with me wearing only a robe.  To say he was disappointed in me is an understatement.  I cried and pleaded with him to understand how difficult it was to just end this relationship.  I even suggested that we all three could be together once in awhile.   Other couples had that type of relationship and their marriages survived.  But Tim said no.  I had to choose.  If I wanted to be with Tim I would have to give up my first love.  After much soul searching, I knew what I had to do.  I said goodbye and married Tim.  I said goodbye, but I never forgot him.

The years went by and our marriage settled into one of contentment.  I would sometimes think of my lost love but quickly pushed his memory aside.  Then Tim changed jobs which required extensive travel.  He would be gone days at a time, sometimes even the entire week.  I am ashamed to admit it, but I could not resist the temptation of my long lost love.  It all began innocently when I ran into him at the grocery.  I knew at this point in my life rekindling our relationship would not only be wrong for my marriage, but would be harmful to the person I had become.  But alas, my willpower to resist was just not there.  We started to spend some evenings together.  It wasn’t long before my forbidden love was staying for breakfast.  All the passion of our past came rushing back.  I was finally able to put a limit on our reckless involvement, but I know one day Tim will come home early and find us together.  Sometimes the guilt overwhelms me.  But for now, I continue.  I keep telling myself I will give him up, but I don’t.  How can I?  After spending an evening together I wake to his salty taste still on my lips.  His sweet smell still lingering… he always leaves me wanting more.

Yes, I am weak.  I can not walk away from him again.  But now Tim is getting ready to retire.  What am I going to do?  I will no longer have the opportunity for our secret rendezvous.  But I truly love Tim and I don’t want to lose him either.  The torment of my deception engulfs me as each day passes.  I have to find a way to end this madness.  I know I have to tell Tim.  I have to confess my deceit and beg for his understanding.  He has to understand how deep my love is for both of them.  Even our dog loves both of them.  Surely he will be able to see my affair has not harmed us.  Yes, moderation has been the key.  And Tim and I have always been responsible.  We are in good health.  Maybe, just maybe, he will be willing to accept my weakness and join me, if only occasionally, in my undeniable love of . . . BACON.